Blog #3

Dear Martha,

I am so in love with you. I go to you in my dreams, both day and night. You save me from the horrors in this terrible land around me. I escape with you to a promise land, a beach where we can have fun talking and laugh till we cry.

These feelings I have now need to stop! I can no longer allow myself to dream. The cost of the dreams is far too great. Today, I was daydreaming about your beautiful smile and something horrific happened. One of my men, my soldiers, Ted, died because I was not concentrating on the important job at hand. Nam is a dangerous place and when you make a mistake like I did, or have a laps of concentration, men die. I am in charge. It is a responsibility that I can hardly bear.

This guilt is overwhelming me more than anyone could ever know. What could I ever possibly say to Ted’s family? Did his death serve some greater purpose? If only I could understand our mission. We go humping almost every day. Where the hell are we going? Why? At this point I have more questions than answers.

I will always keep you in my dreams when the moon comes out at night. I will survive and one day we will be together. I want to choose LOVE, not the hatred and evil that fills my heart in Nam. I only hope you will still recognize me when I return.

Jimmy